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I have a fear of speed bumps.
I’m slowly getting over it.

Dad: Be careful standing near those trees.
Daughter: Why? The sky is clear and there’s no chance of lightning.
Dad: I don’t know really. They just look kind of shady to me.

Nurse: Do you smoke?
Dad: Only when I’m on fire.

*Holding a stepladder*
This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Dad: If you’re cold you should sit in the corner.
Me: Why?
Dad: Because it’s 90 degrees!

*Reversing the car*
Ahh, this takes me back.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

*Dad finds a suitcase in the woods filled with three raccoons. He calls the police.*
Dispatcher: This is 911, how can I help you?
Dad: Hi, I just found a suitcase filled with three raccoons.
Dispatcher: That’s awful. Are they moving?
Dad: No. That would explain the suitcase, though.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then I turned myself around.

Me: I’ll call you later.
Dad: Don’t call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Nobody nose.

*A bug hits the windshield while driving*
Bet he doesn’t have the guts to do that again.

Dad: You know a train has been through here.
Me: How can you tell?
Dad: It left tracks.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Me: Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut.

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “How do you drive this thing?”

Apparently, a man in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy.

*I’m whining about something *
Dad: Would you like a straw?
Me: Why?
Dad: So you can suck it up.

Those are really special cows.
They’re outstanding in their field.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? 

You look for the fresh prints.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Me: Soy milk.
Dad: Hola milk, soy padre.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for lip balm.
Cashier: Certainly. Will you be paying for that with cash?
Duck: Can you put it on my bill?


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